courage?

the last day of radiation was surprisingly bittersweet.

i'd spent the afternoon prior baking cookies for all the radiation attendants, nurses, and techs that i'd seen every day for the past 6 weeks.

i happen to put baked goods in pink boxes, and often tie them in pink ribbon.

this was unintentional, i've done the pink bakery box thing for years.

but the color was not lost on the attendants, who were more than familiar by now with my pink hair, pink glasses, pink scarves.

they said and pink boxes too!

they were the sweetest crew really, every one of them.

passing out the boxes, hugging each of them goodbye, i kind of felt like dorothy waking up from her dream. 

in that sterile environment, dumbo's playhouse, i seemed to be surrounded by the tin man who had found his heart, the scarecrow who'd found his brain, and the formerly cowardly lion, who's courage was now intact.

one of the techs said we just can't believe it's your last day.

i said i can't either!

then she said, and i suspect she says this to all patients, we don't say that to everyone.

i said yes you do.

oh it was so bittersweet, the goodbyes.

i said look.  if i see you again here, at least i won't be afraid next time.  

they said you won't be back!

i said you never know.

they said well, we hope we don't see you here.

i said okay.

but if i do, it'll be okay, because we've got it down now, we've found a rhythm.

and they let me leave it with that.

i had to see the oncology nurse after treatment.

she had to set me up with first follow up, a month from now with cal, our radiation oncologist.

before that, it's back to dr. bear, our surgical oncologist.

but for now, she presented me with a certificate of merit, just like a diploma, with my name printed on it, the doctors and nurses signatures, the certificate read --

for kathleen gorman.

who has completed the prescribed course of radiation therapy,

with the highest degree of COURAGE, DETERMINATION, AND COMMITMENT.

the letters were really capitalized on the certificate btw.

my girls asked if i was going to hang it up in my workroom.

i said no.

but i'll keep it.

cowardly lion that i am.

i might need to remember.

there might come a day when i need to see evidence of COURAGE.

next stop, tamoxifen....

xx katy