Tuesday, January 29, 2013

ready set jump?

Actress Buff Cobb, Standing on the Diving Board Premium Photographic Print
does this girl look ready to jump to you?  look closely.  there's no water in the pool.  she better be careful, make sure she studies her options very closely.

this is how it can feel when all the testing is done, and you've come to the point where the choice is yours, regarding treatment.  it's a good and bad thing, that yin and yang.

the great dr. bear called last eve, putting me out of the misery of waiting til thursday to find out results of final pathology.  this was super decent of him. he's that kinda guy.

we got clear margins.

even writing it here makes my heart pound, and takes my breath away at the same time.

give me a minute.


okay i'm back.

oh that made me weak just there, saying it then, bc it's still so hard to believe, after 3 surgical attempts. bam bam bam. i'm worn out from even trying to believe it.  but it's the truth.

the good news here, and hooray, bc it really is good news, is this means mastectomy is off the table.  so there is a way there is cause for hallelujah here.  (you can ask the godfather re this, if you don't believe me.)

we'll find out more on thursday, but the outline of plan is that once 'surgical site' (right breast) heals, (supposedly 4 - 6 weeks), you move onto radiation. maybe it's like a graduation. i'll find out.  we won't know how long healing will actually take on a area that's been cut and healed, and cut and healed, and cut and healed again, until time goes along.

that's another reason things seem to take so long.

this time they said no exercise or lifting beyond walking for 6 weeks.  this is a bitch in itself bc it's harder to not be bitchy if you can't work out, and work out some of that energy.  try it.  i know.

i can walk though.  that's something.

 sometimes i feel like i'm falling apart by the day.  i ask the godfather, am i falling apart?  he says no.  i say come on.  you can tell me.  he says i'm telling you. you're not falling apart.

sometimes i believe him.  and sometimes i don't. 

the idea is to reduce the potential for scar tissue build up.  this would not be a helpful thing in the context of radiation.  or further, diagnostic mammograms or other such imagining down the road.  

that's another thing. you already know you're subject to more of that, 'frequent imaging,' once you've been caught in the cancer net.  

(do you think this girl should jump or not?)

there is a way i feel like i should be saying yay!  radiation! thank god!  but that's weird isn't it?  who says yay to that?

but it's what we were 'hoping for.' 

so i guess this means our dreams have come true.

but given the nature of cancer, like i've said, there are no real absolutes.  

there are women, and i can totally see where they're coming from, who say hey.  let's go for the mastectomy.  i don't want to have to wonder anymore.  how do we know it's really gone, when you didn't know it was there all along, when it was a surprise, finding those margins again.  and then again? 

this is that whispering over the shoulder.  my sister wrote 'excellent news!' when she heard the news re the margins.

but her very next text was 're the radiation, i think giuliana rancic opted out of that in favor of mastectomy in order to minimize risk of recurrence?'  

see what i mean?

she was trying to be helpful i know.  it is her nature to consider ALL the options.  and then some.  and i appreciate it.

sure there's risks, benefits, no matter what you decide.  this girl on the board, she'll figure it out.  she's lucky the absence of water is so completely obvious.  that it's so clear.

xx katy

1 comment:

  1. Guilty. ;)~ I delve (maybe a bit much) into "what if?" thinking.
    It IS excellent news. I felt such relief too. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. How about Vit. C -- supposed to be good for healing.


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