teachin'

i realize as mothers, our job is to teach our children.

but i have found i have always enjoyed what our children have taught me.

when our oldest daughter first started to walk, i expected her to walk toward me.

i knelt at the end of the hallway, extended my arms, and said come here!  you can do it!

instead, she turned her chubby little baby legs around and walked in the other direction.

i was crawling on the floor beside her, all hey!  where do you think you're going little girl?

that was an interesting lesson.  she taught me she had to make her own way.

and that my job was to be there beside her as she did.

or tried to.

fastforward.

she's 23 now, in grad school, living in a place of her own.

but.

when she comes home, she is big girl, though little girl all over again.

what are we having for supper?

is it cold out?  will i need a coat?

do you mind washing my clothes?

can you make sure i'm up by seven?

etc.

this is all fine.

but this year, when campus closed for her holiday break,

it was about a week after the final diagnosis came.

i was trying to make sense of it, the whole cancer deal.

the space i was in seemed to have no definition.

i told marcia it was like being in a room without corners.

like the inside of an igloo, covered with cotton.

there was no definition, in this new cancer space.

so.

what's a control freak to do when things feel out of control?

find something to control of course!

so.

my grown up graduate school attending daughter who's been living in her own spaces for four years of college, and now year five with grad school was home for the holidays.

but she was leaving her keys out.

and her purse.

and her laptop.

and her charger for her laptop.

and her shoes.

and her phone.

there were little hannah nests everywhere.

i'd say hannah.

can you put your stuff away?

she'd say but i'm working on something.

i'd say still.

your keys?

but i'm going out later.

your shoes?

i'm going to wear them later.

and so on.

finally i said look!

just do it!

i can't have all this shit scattered around!

let me just control something at least!

is it that big of a deal?

 after some back and forth with this, she said that's it. i'm leaving.

i'm going back to my place.

you're nuts.

i said fine!

god.

i didn't walk her out to the porch either, or wave until i couldn't see her car anymore.

the next day she came home again.

i said hannah.  i'm sorry. i've thought about it though.

i think maybe it's a good idea we had that 'fight.'  

bc it taught me i really needed to have something to 'control' in the midst of all this other shit that i can't.

i said i realized i just didn't know how to be katy with cancer.

and she said well.

you still don't need to know how to be katy with cancer.

because you're still just katy.

i said you're so smart.

no wonder you're in grad school!

then i put my hands over those two squishy puddin' cheeks that i've kissed for 23 years.

and i said give me a kiss big girl.

she did.

but i think she might have rolled her eyes too.

xx katy