beautiful

this is a hard post to write without sounding like an egomaniac.

but here goes.

before we got the final diagnosis of cancer, it was really looking like that's what it could and would be.

the godfather was steadfast in his fist pumping optimistic holdout mindset.

i'd tell him, look.

it is or it isn't.

believing what you want won't change it.

he said you're wrong.

i said i don't think so.

who cares anyway?

whatever was going to happen, was going to happen anyway.

it wasn't like we were at some craps table in vegas, trying to figure out where to plunk down our chips.

the outcome would be what it was, either way.

but i told him this.

i don't want it to be cancer.

but if it is, i'm interested in learning about what all those cancer survivors say about being grateful for what they learned.

what do you think that's about, is what i asked him.

he said how should i know?

and i said yeah really.

neither of us had ever had cancer.

so how were we supposed to know about this stuff?

but i admitted to being curious about finding out.

and i've been finding out.

and there's tons.

but most illuminating has been focus.

it's amazing to me what focus has to do with it.

i remember my buddhist friend telling me,

so many times, when i'd go on about something that was bugging me, that ultimately i had no control over, and wouldn't change anyway,

he'd say, let it go.

i'd say i can't.

he'd say yes you can.

i'd say how?

he'd say you just

 have to want to.

and i'd say i want to.

and he'd say well then.  it's easy.

it's as easy as untying a knot.

whew.

if thoughts would clutter my mind, things i knew were not productive, i'd say them.  

just to get them off my mind.

and i'd hear this.

why not think about how beautiful you are?

i'd say what?

and he'd say,

how smart and funny?

how industrious?

isn't that a better idea?

is what he'd say.

this is crazy, right?

is it?

try it.

this friend hangs out with monks, on the edges of the earth.

who am i not to learn, when someone teaches me something so simple?

why would i fight it?

(i've grown tired of fighting)

but life in the 'life' grooms you for that.

so it's an interesting crossroads, living at the corner of godfather and buddhist boulevard.

anyway.

try it.

when your mind gets cluttered.

and you lose your focus.

and you know you've got to concentrate on healing.

is it a crime to think of yourself as beautiful?

smart?

funny?

industrious?

no.

there are no jail sentences for that, so far as i know.

xx katy